I’ve told you much about my current situation on my previous blog post. As time goes by, I began believing that I am in a premature midlife crisis. Maybe not, possibly it would easily have thought to be a “proper” misnomer. I experience no anxiety, nor depression. What I experience is an imbalanced mind, spreading unease to a very close proximity. No one more distant enough would not notice, hence I’d not tell. I try hard to hold back my feelings, suppress them properly to make them go unnoticed. I try hard not to burst out with rage which would be triggered by small things. Of course, it is the drops that fill the bowl, not the drop that began seeping, falling from the edges. But how do you soothe a volcano to keep it from erupting much long? Volcano does not care. It has its tectonic breaks and shifts that you would not notice. If layers of earth had enough of whatever they have, you can neither blame nor stop the erupting volcano. Here is me not trying to be a volcano.
Everybody has their upsides downsides. No one is perfect but also perfect match is an illusion. It is about what you can tolerate in someone and what you cannot. I am a mess about this. A worthless piece of meat with lots of inabilities. I will not be cracking myself open here, but you should know that who keep too much to themselves are better that way. You must make believe that you can somehow help them. Most of the people fail, the rest just have those bursts along the way leaving you to think that you’d not be opening up in the first place: You yourself were living a ruined life already, why would you let another one to your misery? How dare you live with this guilt of stealing people’s lives, and consume them with your inabilities.
This is where I am in my life. It is not ending, not beginning anything new; not begetting anything meaningful. Many times, I tried to end the misery. I do not talk about suicide; I talk about running away from my whole life and go on as desperate and alone as possible. This would be the best interest of people around me. They would probably miss me (maybe for appearances or a little regret might be conceived as they would think I did not try hard enough to overcome my problems) but this situation would provide them with a space to act for their own lives. I take too much space, I feel like I fill their void with something to gnaw on but this leaves an insatiable hunger.
I guess the best course of action is to remove myself from their equations in some way. Like a hole in a shirt that cannot be patched in a meaningful way so that these people I love the deepest have their shirts changed, move on to repair their better attire. A journey to provide proper space to everyone.
Along the way, I’d be fixing my own.